"Taking the road less travelled" speaks much to me. It has been recently that I began to understand layers of meaning of that sentence from Robert Frost. At the end of the day, I have decided the research topic that I can find a strong genuine interest in studying. Reflecting on the 'at the junction' time, when I was not determined where to go, which road to take, I am much pleased now about my choice. I will study about one's self and identity, the development and fluidity of self and identity in L2 motivation, and case study is the research strategy of inquiry. Since humans are mysterious, studying the innermost image of a person to understand why s/he behaves this way not that one is very interesting and challenging.
...
(3 weeks later)
I am continuing this entry for the sake of a complete one because anyway I want to 'celebrate' the moment of being able to 'take the road'.
This entry turns out to be an ugly piece of cake due to the breakdown in the middle. Life is not always a delicious piece of cake if we master the recipe of making the cake and we have a strong belief. Resonating with this fact about life is this very moment, when ideas are flooding in my head but I am struggling with encoding them so that I can communicate with people what the ideas are and how smart (I believe) they are. Eventually, being able to 'take a road' is not something worth celebrating because it is not an end but a beginning.
I am beginning to go on my chosen road...
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
As a researcher 3
The book 'Research methods in applied linguistics' of Zoltan Dornyei published in 2007 by Oxford University Press is a great source of inspiration and encouragement for me. Before reading the book, I often questioned my research ability and doubted if I would do research well due to my little research experience. More seriously, i almost did not know what would particularly be involved in my research plus what it means by a system of research terminology many books, research articles and my supervisors keep talking about. What my research study would be like if it was fuelled with my (fake) curiosity and labour of a mislead 'well-digger' like me? Frankly, my research paradigm (qualitative)and inquiry strategy(case study) were pre-developed packages coming into being with very little understanding, knowledge, and deliberation of mine. Ironically, I was keeping labouring day by day with a kind of frustration-becoming-satisfaction due to a shortage of knowledge of an easy-going idiot, until I came across Dornyei's book. It is such an enlightenment the book brings me.
The notion of 'good enough mother' or 'good enough parent' introduced by Winnicott (1965, cited by Dornyei, 2007) opens my eyes and triggers my 'research mind'. You dont have to be a 'Supermum' or 'Superdad' to produce a healthy child! Such a fabulous fact! I am an actual mom, and I thoroughly understand what it means by producing a healthy child without necessarily being a supermom, because it is as clear as the daylight that I am a normal mom who produces a very healthy son. I have to confess I have fallen in love with Dornyei when he nicely made the statement that 'the best researchers in the field tend to be very normal people'(p. 17). It is undeniable that a 'good enough mother' does not have to be experienced in child bearing and rearing before she can produce a healthy child.
'A good enough mom' or 'a good enough researcher' however cannot act unthoughtfully to her child. Similarly to the rationale and ways I have equipped my self with knowledge of child bearing and rearing, child development and education, good parenting, and so forth, I am fully aware of a responsibility for mastering research methodology. I am learning to become a good researcher. Characteristics I am learning to build for myself are as follows:
1. A genuine and strong curiosity of the topic
2. Common sense
3. Good ideas
4. Discipline and social responsibility
They are four characteristics of a good researcher put forward by Dornyei. I can never have them all overnight. Taking item 1 as an example, as I said above, the 'curiosity' I used to have for my labour was a fake one. Reasons for this fact are unavailable at this moment, but generally I can say I was mislead then. Dornyei is blessing me in multiple ways, but overall, i am building the good researcher's characteristics with confidence earned from reading his book.
The notion of 'good enough mother' or 'good enough parent' introduced by Winnicott (1965, cited by Dornyei, 2007) opens my eyes and triggers my 'research mind'. You dont have to be a 'Supermum' or 'Superdad' to produce a healthy child! Such a fabulous fact! I am an actual mom, and I thoroughly understand what it means by producing a healthy child without necessarily being a supermom, because it is as clear as the daylight that I am a normal mom who produces a very healthy son. I have to confess I have fallen in love with Dornyei when he nicely made the statement that 'the best researchers in the field tend to be very normal people'(p. 17). It is undeniable that a 'good enough mother' does not have to be experienced in child bearing and rearing before she can produce a healthy child.
'A good enough mom' or 'a good enough researcher' however cannot act unthoughtfully to her child. Similarly to the rationale and ways I have equipped my self with knowledge of child bearing and rearing, child development and education, good parenting, and so forth, I am fully aware of a responsibility for mastering research methodology. I am learning to become a good researcher. Characteristics I am learning to build for myself are as follows:
1. A genuine and strong curiosity of the topic
2. Common sense
3. Good ideas
4. Discipline and social responsibility
They are four characteristics of a good researcher put forward by Dornyei. I can never have them all overnight. Taking item 1 as an example, as I said above, the 'curiosity' I used to have for my labour was a fake one. Reasons for this fact are unavailable at this moment, but generally I can say I was mislead then. Dornyei is blessing me in multiple ways, but overall, i am building the good researcher's characteristics with confidence earned from reading his book.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Just keeping research journalling
It has been three months or so since my studends and I last talked about the research projects. We have been silent for a while due to my slow progress or precisely a change of topic. We haven't done anything for our projects although the students used to be so eager to create accounts on Wikipedia and think of posting something there but I am not sure if there has been something done.
This time is the silence time as I said but it does not mean so in every sense of the word "silence". I believe what has been happening between us may say something for my thesis in the perspective of the teacher's role in L2 motivation. Silence does not mean no work, no communication, no feeling, or no acquisition (I am relating to the "silence period" in first language acquisition). Through Facebook as the major and actually sole means of communication, we are so in touch and more importantly getting a relationship stronger and stronger. Many factors as antecedents of motivation like vision, imagination, trust, hope, fantasy, ideality, and many more I believe, can be somehow achieved through our facebooking. Not intentionally do I communicate for the sake of my research but the communication has come very naturally due to the pleasure and love we have to each other. Exemplifying for this is the adoration they have to me as a superb cook and an academically successful person (as they said)though I am not that excellent and in return the admiration and love I have to them as intelligent and smart youths. Comments I have made in their postings at times add some value and trust to our relationship, which can hardly be obtained overnight.
It matters, in the perspective of motivation, that how to translate motivational factors into motivated behaviours. As a teacher, and possibly a friend of them, I believe all that has been happening in this silence time that counts.
This time is the silence time as I said but it does not mean so in every sense of the word "silence". I believe what has been happening between us may say something for my thesis in the perspective of the teacher's role in L2 motivation. Silence does not mean no work, no communication, no feeling, or no acquisition (I am relating to the "silence period" in first language acquisition). Through Facebook as the major and actually sole means of communication, we are so in touch and more importantly getting a relationship stronger and stronger. Many factors as antecedents of motivation like vision, imagination, trust, hope, fantasy, ideality, and many more I believe, can be somehow achieved through our facebooking. Not intentionally do I communicate for the sake of my research but the communication has come very naturally due to the pleasure and love we have to each other. Exemplifying for this is the adoration they have to me as a superb cook and an academically successful person (as they said)though I am not that excellent and in return the admiration and love I have to them as intelligent and smart youths. Comments I have made in their postings at times add some value and trust to our relationship, which can hardly be obtained overnight.
It matters, in the perspective of motivation, that how to translate motivational factors into motivated behaviours. As a teacher, and possibly a friend of them, I believe all that has been happening in this silence time that counts.
Thursday, 2 September 2010
As a researcher 2
A researcher's life of mine up till now has not happened in much boredom and hardship at all as I thought or imagined. Although the two discomforts are expected to last long, happy momments though short but has an impression even longer than the discomforts. It is weird that I ever wished the sleeping time had gone fast and the following morning had come right away so that I could fetch the computer as a means to express my happiness (on my personal blog)...
That was when I met my "lover". My heart was as if it jumped out of my chest in excitement. My fingers were trembling touching every piece of the "lover". I smiled pleasingly at the presence of the longed-for-so-long "lover". It was indeed the happiness of the person praying for the magic and the magic comes. It was now, in front of me, totally for me to enjoy and cherish, and to see a missing me in it. Thanks god for his blessing, to satisfy my hunger, my thirst, and my craving, to offset longest days of my depression and loneliness in the dark...
Here comes the warm bright sun, the loving company of a researcher's life, AN INSPIRING ARTICLE!
That was when I met my "lover". My heart was as if it jumped out of my chest in excitement. My fingers were trembling touching every piece of the "lover". I smiled pleasingly at the presence of the longed-for-so-long "lover". It was indeed the happiness of the person praying for the magic and the magic comes. It was now, in front of me, totally for me to enjoy and cherish, and to see a missing me in it. Thanks god for his blessing, to satisfy my hunger, my thirst, and my craving, to offset longest days of my depression and loneliness in the dark...
Here comes the warm bright sun, the loving company of a researcher's life, AN INSPIRING ARTICLE!
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
My role
In setting up the learner's motivation (more specificality needed) (e.g.surfing wikis, I'm supposed to:
1. Ask the learner to imagine (see the Role of imagination by Zoltan Dornyei, 2009)
"Throughout history of mankind, humans are driven by their imagination and their ability to see images of the desired future. Leaders, poets, writers, composers, artists, dreamers, athletes have been able to be inspired, stay inspired, and inspire others through such images. These images, once shared, have the power to become a force, and in that sense an inspiration for social development and growth, for intentional change at many levels of social organization, not just for the individual" (Boyatzis & Akrivou, 2006, cited in Dornyei, Z. & Ushima, E., 2009).
"Looking at the apple seed and seeing the tree, playing scales on a piana and envisioning a concert hall" (Wenger, 1998, cited in Dornyei, Z. & Ushima, E., (2009)
3. Praise, appreciate the learner (for their initiatives)
4. Help form hopes, wishes, and fantasies
5. Build up trust and admiration at the learner (FB is a useful tool for me)
(Items here are not in the order of importance but shaped in random according to my memory and reflection)
1. Ask the learner to imagine (see the Role of imagination by Zoltan Dornyei, 2009)
"Throughout history of mankind, humans are driven by their imagination and their ability to see images of the desired future. Leaders, poets, writers, composers, artists, dreamers, athletes have been able to be inspired, stay inspired, and inspire others through such images. These images, once shared, have the power to become a force, and in that sense an inspiration for social development and growth, for intentional change at many levels of social organization, not just for the individual" (Boyatzis & Akrivou, 2006, cited in Dornyei, Z. & Ushima, E., 2009).
"Looking at the apple seed and seeing the tree, playing scales on a piana and envisioning a concert hall" (Wenger, 1998, cited in Dornyei, Z. & Ushima, E., (2009)
3. Praise, appreciate the learner (for their initiatives)
4. Help form hopes, wishes, and fantasies
5. Build up trust and admiration at the learner (FB is a useful tool for me)
(Items here are not in the order of importance but shaped in random according to my memory and reflection)
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Miscellaneous feeling
I am surfing the internet to read more about some research issues. What people have done in research in general and in my intended fields in particular is far too awesome. The more I read, the worse I feel about me, as to whether I can produce such a piece of works or whether I can be strong enough to pursue such a great job of doing research. Am I incompetent? Am I weak? I dont know.
Today my office mate defends her PhD thesis. She did it very well. She is my first nearest PhD friend, both physically and emotionally. Looking at her victory and glory, a feeling of being inferior gets deeper in me. I can somehow figure out how tough her journey has been. I believe the hardship a head for me will be so big, but passable I wish.
I wish I will get more and more enduring and capable, thanks to my endeavour and love of my beloved ones. God bless me.
Today my office mate defends her PhD thesis. She did it very well. She is my first nearest PhD friend, both physically and emotionally. Looking at her victory and glory, a feeling of being inferior gets deeper in me. I can somehow figure out how tough her journey has been. I believe the hardship a head for me will be so big, but passable I wish.
I wish I will get more and more enduring and capable, thanks to my endeavour and love of my beloved ones. God bless me.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
As a researcher
As a six-month researcher to be more exact, I am reflecting on my self.
Regarding a professional me, I am doing quite well my job in the pattern of the sin diagram, with waves of up and down. The feeling of approaching some destination and then growing apart from some others is quite exciting. Is it true that the more you swim, the nearer to the "finish" you get? It is not true for me at this time, because the ocean of knowledge is "finish"-less. Yes, the more I swim, the farther I get. More confidence, more strength, and more motivation, these good things, however, do not come along naturally with more swimming. The opposite, on the contrary, somehow easily kicks off those ideals. What I mean here is the support I need for the development of my autonomy. A six-month researcher with very little experience in the field of my study as well as research culture and practice is really in need of guidance, and inspiration too I think. Despite of some autonomy that may have been established in me before, it has very little to do with a new research context this time. Therefore, I find myself now struggling not only in a wider ocean of knowledge but also with a new professional me of both experience and challenge, competence and incompetence, strength and weakness, maturity and immaturity.
A personal me is never in separation of a professional me, but it should be in a separate paragraph for an ease of reflection. Being a researcher is being a human doing reseach. Of what a human, a wife, a mother is, I find myself so much like a shopper in front of a shopping mall with a flat pocket. What to spend and what to ignore, oh my budget is always tight. At the end of the day, I should live for my son, my family, and my personal me, and by no means sensible for my research. It sounds a bit pessimistic. OK, make it more possitive. Being a married woman with a son adds more values to my research than what I have made it sound like above. I find myself more mature in thinking and making decisions, and more aduring. I am not like what I used to be ten years or so ago, when I was doing research with a different personal me. At the end of the day, I should thank my son and those in my family life, who have taken from my professional me lots of time, thinking and concern and brought back far much more maturity and motivation in return.
Regarding a professional me, I am doing quite well my job in the pattern of the sin diagram, with waves of up and down. The feeling of approaching some destination and then growing apart from some others is quite exciting. Is it true that the more you swim, the nearer to the "finish" you get? It is not true for me at this time, because the ocean of knowledge is "finish"-less. Yes, the more I swim, the farther I get. More confidence, more strength, and more motivation, these good things, however, do not come along naturally with more swimming. The opposite, on the contrary, somehow easily kicks off those ideals. What I mean here is the support I need for the development of my autonomy. A six-month researcher with very little experience in the field of my study as well as research culture and practice is really in need of guidance, and inspiration too I think. Despite of some autonomy that may have been established in me before, it has very little to do with a new research context this time. Therefore, I find myself now struggling not only in a wider ocean of knowledge but also with a new professional me of both experience and challenge, competence and incompetence, strength and weakness, maturity and immaturity.
A personal me is never in separation of a professional me, but it should be in a separate paragraph for an ease of reflection. Being a researcher is being a human doing reseach. Of what a human, a wife, a mother is, I find myself so much like a shopper in front of a shopping mall with a flat pocket. What to spend and what to ignore, oh my budget is always tight. At the end of the day, I should live for my son, my family, and my personal me, and by no means sensible for my research. It sounds a bit pessimistic. OK, make it more possitive. Being a married woman with a son adds more values to my research than what I have made it sound like above. I find myself more mature in thinking and making decisions, and more aduring. I am not like what I used to be ten years or so ago, when I was doing research with a different personal me. At the end of the day, I should thank my son and those in my family life, who have taken from my professional me lots of time, thinking and concern and brought back far much more maturity and motivation in return.
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