Beyond CLESOL 2012: Emerging oportunities in new learning spaces

I have just returned from CLESOL 2012. I felt I had started to miss the conference even before it finished, just two hours ago, when I was sitting in the Rec Center, the hub of the conference, in IPC. That was the time the key note speakers and the conference organisers were having final words about the conference highlights. They were also saying thank you words for everything, and I was being overwhelmed with the urge to say thousands of thank you words to everybody, the thing I was unable to do physically in the spot. In fact, Gillian did pose me the question of what I thought about and how I felt being in CLESOL early this morning, the final day, when we met in the Rec before the conference started, and I tried to make my answer compact and most revealing of what I was feeling and thinking about, but the answer would  never be enough for it is increasingly added to.

Key note speakers: Left to right: Prof Andreas Lund, Prof Cynthia White, Emeritus Prof Paul Nation, and Sunita Narayan

Personally, being in an international conference like CLESOL makes me feel different, and hopefully, better about me. I have realised I am possessing something, which I don't know was worthy or interesting or whatever to people, that they liked to (or probably like to) listen to. I received possitive comments and supportive questions to my presentation, and I was not sure if people meant so when they said so. However, I told myself just to be optimistic, and relate the situations to the conference theme to think "they are trying to make opportunities emerge". Significantly, being in the conference has made me feel going public is not as daunting as I had imagined. This might not be true in other situations but CLESOL conference, which was very supportive, encouraging, and stimulating to me, a young bird first time flying out into the big sky. The feeling of a young bird (I don't know if people were viewing/knowing me as a young bird) who was counted in, listened to, and paid attention to, was amazing and stimulating. Above all, the feeling of not being daunted at all has helped trigger some more confidence inside me and opened more of my hidden selves.

Me in my presentation: Negotiating roles and identities in a new teaching and learning space: Wiki writing in Vietnamese tertiary classrooms

What would be far more worthy to me, at least at this time, was the professional values the conference brings to me. Opportunities to observe, listen to, and to think and relate to my research are numerous. I have found connections and reference to my research from every branch sprung out of all the presentations I was in. I have felt the passion for doing research and academic endeavours radiating from every face, which made me start to believe that only does a genuine interest accompanying hard work make people excel, retain accomplishment and most importantly to realise their idealism. Apart from that, I also saw potential paths to put my steps onto to expand my teritory of learning, the teritory that is already charted by forefathers and will be enriched and flourished by newcomers. My eyes have been opened, my views have been widened, my path has been brightened, my mind has been fuelled, and I have been hugely inspired. Why not embark on the journey of discovery and excellence?

Professor Lund and Professor White giving comments to my presentation

Opportunities have been emerging from this CLESOL 2012. Things have just started.

Dear Writing

Dear Writing,

We have been staying so closed during this time, closer than ever before, I believe. Just to let you know, whenever asked, I describe to people I am in the stage of writing. So you can imagine how integrative you are in my life at the moment. I used to wish that I had a job in writing or a huge opportunity to do writing a big lot, for you guy are my favourite thing buddy, and I believed I was nothing but your close friend. The wish has come true, but I have been thrown twists on, not by you, don't you think.

I am writing over and over again. I really never know when I can finish a thesis chapter without re-writing it. I am always writing as if it was the final draft, and every time after the meeting with my supervisors, I feel you are a strange and remote person challenging a shift of my view. I not only think about you then but also think about me as to how I should treat you. Is that because you are tough and hard to get closed, or because I am not grown enough? Perhaps you are still what you are, and what I understand about you is not thorough enough.

My dearest Writing, the latter is the most likely to be the reason of my struggle. I don't dislike you Writing, because every of my endeavour to approach you is worthy. At the end of the day, there is no point of making you bigger and tougher. To put it precisely, I bet no one can do that, for you are divine enough, as always. The point is I can move nearer and nearer to an ideal me of being your close friend in this struggle with you. I have learnt that you always stay still and I am moving towards. That's good enough don't you think.

Dear Writing, I am not saying you are torturing me but the opposite way would make more sense. No pain no gain hey buddy. Please be staying there and guiding me. Also please lit up the road to widen my views in the journey of seeking an ideal me.

Thank you and love you Writing.

Your struggling buddy.

Having started my third year

How time flies! This year is my third year of PhD. A little bit scary thinking of work ahead which I dont know from where to start with yet, a little bit proud of myself being able to overcome twists and turns the last two years have thrown on me, and a little bit ambitious thinking ahead a little further beyond the graduation day, when hopefully I will be able to surpass the limit of a young bird to fly far and wide. Possibilities are still possibilities, but I know for sure I have grown a great deal from this journey, at least to be able not to feel uneasy when being thrown out of my comfort zone.

Stories the last two years have woven in my PhD fabric are diverse and colourful. Life of a woman, a wife, a mother, a researcher and of course some other identities I have been playing all at the same time has been sometimes very crazy and some other times sweet enough. It's life I know. But what I know far more is when I live to the fullest of me, life turns out to be very encouraging and can present me with worthy life-changing moments .

Well I must tell about my research, which is anyway something I have to do almost all of the time now. I remember reading some scholar saying about a professional self and a personal self he got to live for, in separation he admitted. When it comes to those two huge selves in me, a separation is unreal and impossible. I am truly living the way they supplement to each other. For the data collection, I had to meet many people, especially students, at my home college. Surrounded by them and the teachers, I could not help thinking about the learning environment in our home college, which is surely raising up the student learners, their minds and their souls. Thinking about the reality and envisioning the future felt like bitter. Anyway, the collection went well, which was in a large part because of me listening to and thinking heavily about the reality and the responses from people. I was not only a researcher in my home college but also a teacher, a colleague, a friend, and a folk fellow to all the teachers and the students, which I believe enabled me to be a good listener and professional inquirier. Doing the job of a data collector in this setting is nothing but amazing and worthwhile. What has grown in me as a new plant in the garden of research is you have to be a truly person before you want to be a truly researcher.

I have started my 3rd year. Thoughts to share, stories to treasure and ideas to challenge are plentiful. Shall I be able to weave them all in my PhD fabric, the fabric of crystal clear lights and nights, realities and fantasies?

A coffee at Wharerata

It was a sunny morning of spring in its full swing, at Wharerata. We chose the sweet things and the drinks at the counter, we decided to be outside in the garden, and we talked. We were open to every thing ranging from our children, our ex- boyfriends, our marriage, to women's thinkings and concerns, family's issues and the research. We were talking like mum and daughter, friends, and women. We got to know more each other as person, and felt connected.

"Let me take you for a walk", and we moved to under a big tree, in a bench, stayed silent to sense the difference and the unspoken love, and to feel overwhelmed, and we continued along the fern walk. We were hidden away from the reality and some possible current distance between each other and merged into one heart, in which we were feeling as humans without any boundaries. I became speechless then, was feeling the sensation and the purity of love, between two persons from two different worlds.

"I am from England and you are from Vietnam, and we meet", I was then being brought beyond any limitations to fully sense the connection of two humans and truthful love. It was too sensational to be verbally spoken. There was definitely much more than what I could utter "I love you".

That's how the coffee at Wharerata became a slice of my life, very flavourful and meaningful for me to realise how we can get connected and merged into the immensity of love.

Who I am

It is something I am seeking for answers when it comes to the question of Who I am. But, according to Prof White, I am not a gourmet in a buffet. Instead, I must be a scientist of a dish in that buffet. :)

The definition of who i am surely goes beyond the research area in order for it to be comprehensive. In this journey of seeking the definition, which i believe is endless, (and this post thus possibly is endless too), it is the elements that help giving meanings to the definition and the catalysts that help transforming the content that are captured and valued more than the final product of definition.

Elizabeth Gilbert: A new way to think about creativity

The second phase of data collection

It is not something as dull as the title may sound. Firstly, I did not think I would go to the second phase of data collection, simply because I had only one phase all together. So the unplanned phase came up with lots of surprise-behind-the-winding, which somehow aligns with the emergent and open spirit of this research. The much more worthy thing is thanks to this second phase, I have a precious chance to travel home, to spend Tet with my parents, to stay in my extended HOME, and more than those.

This entry is not devoted for a description of the second phase. I don't know what to say, but thinking of the possibilities ahead, I appreciate what life has offered me, with people and their relationships, with chances and opportunites, and above all with lots of lots of love and faith. Reflecting on the conceiving conditions of the second phase, I asked myself why that way. I dare not put the answer in this post, because i don't know for sure what causes what, but what i know for sure is nothing transcendent comes to you all of a sudden. When it comes to wondering how and why a venture comes its way to me, I find myself often feeling appreciated what life has blessed me, without very often understanding that I have myself been creating opportunities from a me digging a dark tunnel every day and also a me possessing assets like the ability to see the light in the dark and the ability to believe me.

I don't allow myself to expect to see my performance at this stage. What I really want to do now is to be able bridge the distance between a me digging a dark tunnel and a me with extraordinary abilities to create opportunities.

Writing methodology chapter

A big pile of things can be devoted to describe the stage of writing the methodology chapter. I have deserted this home for a while and do not really want to return with that big pile of things, at least because I am not able to produce that much this time. I have been diving in the ocean of research methodology books and still unable to emerge for a relief.

I would like to put up here a piece of reading I am doing at the moment because i find it such a thrill upon first reading it. Here we go:

"Exploration" as an Analogy for an Exploratory Case Study

When Christopher Columbus went to Queen Isabella to ask for support for his "exploration" of the New World, he had to have some reasons for asking for three ships (Why not one? Why not five?), and he had some rationale for going westward (Why not south? Why not south and then east?). He also had some (mistaken) criteria for recognizing the Indies when he actually encountered it. In short, his exploration began with some rationale and direction, even if his initial assumptions might later have been proved wrong (Wilford, 1992). This same degree of rationale and direction should underlie even an exploratory case study.

(page 29)

Yin, R. K. (2009). Case study research: Design and methods (4th ed. Vol. 5). California: Sage Publications, Inc.

I believe in you

"I believe in you", my supervisor has lifted me up and made my day with her such saying.I can read her eyes, feel her smile, and see her hidden love to me. Such a great person and a superordinary supervisor she is. No one is born a superman, but she is showing me you can grow super from your everyday's man effort. Be loving, be trusty, be inspiring, and you can grow up what you want to be.

I feel so inspired and energetic whenever we have a meeting. If what my supermom ( i call my supervisor supermom) says to me is such valuable, what from that spirit I can transfer to my students is a thousand times more valuable. I am going to model the students what and how I am modelled now by my supermom. How can i lift them up, how can i inspire them, how can i make them grow, they are my all-time questions to bear in mind and not to be answered overnight.

"You are growing a plant. Specifically you are working to create a favourable growing condition, and then you hope, since you cannot make the plant grow". This metaphor born by the supermom works well for me, and speaks a lot to me in the specific job of mentoring. "I am growing well and thanks to your care, I will grow up to what you hope for. Believe me" responded me.

Towards the confirmation day

I have been absent from this blog since final days last year. Entering the new year is a bit busier but more energetic for me. For the research i am working for and on the initial data collection phase and the initial interviews bring me good result, to be more exact good feeling. Despite of some lesson i have made for myself in terms of interview, i am satisfied with the interviewees and my preparation of the interview prompt.

I receive the time for my confirmation in a ready and welcoming mood. I am thankful to Gillian who has so enthusiastically taken care of this affair, from dealing with DRC to arranging time and more nicely emailing me in advance to ask if the time is fine or not. So now i have nearly a month to prepare. I have two weeks to work on the proposal and at the same time have to take care of the student's writing task 1 for data collection phase 1. I hope i will be as energetic as always.

First Christmas in this journey

No special feeling is my feeling on these days. Like a piece of cheese cake, Xmas sometimes melts every piece of me like what an ice-cream does to a kid and some other times pushes me away due to its overtasteful flavour of too much cheese, sugar, and fat. I choose to surround me everyday in this tranquille room with books and the computer and no humans and to step out of the crowd and gorgeousness of Xmas getting fuller and fuller every corner of the downtown. Stepping out and diving in is offset and thus brings me peace and balance. This style grows well in me.

Christmas is the time to be surrounded with joy, family and friends. I can hold this fact true for me when I want. On the one hand, Christmas is originally Christian. We are to a great extent not used to things like church practice, carols, turkey, pavlova, Xmas tree decoration, holly, Santa Claus and other religious things. As a matter of fact, we seem to be ignorant of those things. To us, Christmas does not ever mean those things. On the other hand, the spirit of Christmas giving speaks more. I have learned through Christmas the lesson of giving and more importantly the power of belief in Santa Claus children possess. I prefer having Christmas this way.

(The following paragraph is written after Christmas.)
Our first Christmas in this country is not very overwhelming both materially and spiritually. We have had a peaceful time with family and a few friends. Kiwi people around us are not so noisy the way it is often seen at parties. They are interestingly very home-oriented. That is what we love from a kiwi Christmas.

Small word ignites big work

This entry is to capture my feeling when it is most vivid and truthful about my supervisors, since any delay may blur the sharp vividness.

Before this entry can go any further, a few initial words should be devoted for an explanation of the title I have just thought of. The words I got from my supervisors are not small, and the work ignited is not as big as the language may imply. What is meant is the empowerment my supervisors' saying brings to me. A great contrast of the signifier, language, and the signified, content, is found in their saying.

Imagery words speak much to me. Such metaphors used by my supervisors as diet, flavour, planting tree, fishing,etc. convey meanings far richer than they are intended. A wealth of lessons I learnt ranges from things in my research field to communication etiquette. Beyond the sounds of language (the audio signifier), silence, pausing, pacing, and intervals between stretches of utterance do touch my senses and nurture my mind. What if people do not hold a healthy perspective toward life, a rich wealth of knowledge in their expertise and life alike, a beautiful mind and soul, optimistic beliefs, respect to themselves and others, and passion could produce flowery language? Fragrance is not necessarily what all kinds of flowers possess, I believe.

Critical to this kind of empowerment the supervision brings to me is what and how much I can translate the nuance and essence of my supervisors' saying into my behaviour and action, and how I pass the 'fire' in me to my students/participants.

How do people say what they mean and mean what they don't say?

As a researcher 4

I wish my research area was something about art, or poetry, or design, or music,... something artful, creative, and imaginary. Why do I have such an idea? Because I am surrounded with a wealth of beautiful nature so inspirational and appealing that I can't help being distracted to embrace it with all my senses.

The birds are singing inviting songs, the trees are dancing, the flowers are catwalking on the nature's fashion stage, the breeze is rustling the book in an appealing way, the flower fragrance is overwhelming my senses, the fresh air is caressing my skin, the infinitive blue is soothing my vision, all of them are far too tempting and seducing in front of a me so diligently digging a dark and winding tunnel. No-one would resist to rush out there embracing such beauties and indulge herself. A researcher like me in this climate would like very much to translate those potential strong motives into her research. I am in a good mood, motivated, life-loving, soulful and mindful, but, unfortunately all of the good qualities are being confronted by the reality: my research!!! I am deep in the saying of my supervisor for a PhD student, wrapped compactly in DEAR, Drop Everything And Read! This does not work for me I believe.

The study of the person-in-context relational view of emergent motivation (Ushioda, 2009) speaks much in this situation of mine. Just like a second language learner is not an abstract entity separated from a complex backgound and history and a multitude of characteristics, a me doing research is not a me separated from the beautiful and seducing context of spring in full blossom. The interactive relationship between factors in the multiple system of contexts in which the person inherently belong to makes up her behaviour and the world.

I can't help separating me from this multiple context to drop everything and read! How do I make the motivation emerge? How do I translate the emerging motivation into my behaviour? How do I make all the beauties surrounding me the yeast for the blossom of my research?

Taking a road

"Taking the road less travelled" speaks much to me. It has been recently that I began to understand layers of meaning of that sentence from Robert Frost. At the end of the day, I have decided the research topic that I can find a strong genuine interest in studying. Reflecting on the 'at the junction' time, when I was not determined where to go, which road to take, I am much pleased now about my choice. I will study about one's self and identity, the development and fluidity of self and identity in L2 motivation, and case study is the research strategy of inquiry. Since humans are mysterious, studying the innermost image of a person to understand why s/he behaves this way not that one is very interesting and challenging.

...
(3 weeks later)

I am continuing this entry for the sake of a complete one because anyway I want to 'celebrate' the moment of being able to 'take the road'.

This entry turns out to be an ugly piece of cake due to the breakdown in the middle. Life is not always a delicious piece of cake if we master the recipe of making the cake and we have a strong belief. Resonating with this fact about life is this very moment, when ideas are flooding in my head but I am struggling with encoding them so that I can communicate with people what the ideas are and how smart (I believe) they are. Eventually, being able to 'take a road' is not something worth celebrating because it is not an end but a beginning.

I am beginning to go on my chosen road...

As a researcher 3

The book 'Research methods in applied linguistics' of Zoltan Dornyei published in 2007 by Oxford University Press is a great source of inspiration and encouragement for me. Before reading the book, I often questioned my research ability and doubted if I would do research well due to my little research experience. More seriously, i almost did not know what would particularly be involved in my research plus what it means by a system of research terminology many books, research articles and my supervisors keep talking about. What my research study would be like if it was fuelled with my (fake) curiosity and labour of a mislead 'well-digger' like me? Frankly, my research paradigm (qualitative)and inquiry strategy(case study) were pre-developed packages coming into being with very little understanding, knowledge, and deliberation of mine. Ironically, I was keeping labouring day by day with a kind of frustration-becoming-satisfaction due to a shortage of knowledge of an easy-going idiot, until I came across Dornyei's book. It is such an enlightenment the book brings me.

The notion of 'good enough mother' or 'good enough parent' introduced by Winnicott (1965, cited by Dornyei, 2007) opens my eyes and triggers my 'research mind'. You dont have to be a 'Supermum' or 'Superdad' to produce a healthy child! Such a fabulous fact! I am an actual mom, and I thoroughly understand what it means by producing a healthy child without necessarily being a supermom, because it is as clear as the daylight that I am a normal mom who produces a very healthy son. I have to confess I have fallen in love with Dornyei when he nicely made the statement that 'the best researchers in the field tend to be very normal people'(p. 17). It is undeniable that a 'good enough mother' does not have to be experienced in child bearing and rearing before she can produce a healthy child.

'A good enough mom' or 'a good enough researcher' however cannot act unthoughtfully to her child. Similarly to the rationale and ways I have equipped my self with knowledge of child bearing and rearing, child development and education, good parenting, and so forth, I am fully aware of a responsibility for mastering research methodology. I am learning to become a good researcher. Characteristics I am learning to build for myself are as follows:

1. A genuine and strong curiosity of the topic
2. Common sense
3. Good ideas
4. Discipline and social responsibility

They are four characteristics of a good researcher put forward by Dornyei. I can never have them all overnight. Taking item 1 as an example, as I said above, the 'curiosity' I used to have for my labour was a fake one. Reasons for this fact are unavailable at this moment, but generally I can say I was mislead then. Dornyei is blessing me in multiple ways, but overall, i am building the good researcher's characteristics with confidence earned from reading his book.

Just keeping research journalling

It has been three months or so since my studends and I last talked about the research projects. We have been silent for a while due to my slow progress or precisely a change of topic. We haven't done anything for our projects although the students used to be so eager to create accounts on Wikipedia and think of posting something there but I am not sure if there has been something done.

This time is the silence time as I said but it does not mean so in every sense of the word "silence". I believe what has been happening between us may say something for my thesis in the perspective of the teacher's role in L2 motivation. Silence does not mean no work, no communication, no feeling, or no acquisition (I am relating to the "silence period" in first language acquisition). Through Facebook as the major and actually sole means of communication, we are so in touch and more importantly getting a relationship stronger and stronger. Many factors as antecedents of motivation like vision, imagination, trust, hope, fantasy, ideality, and many more I believe, can be somehow achieved through our facebooking. Not intentionally do I communicate for the sake of my research but the communication has come very naturally due to the pleasure and love we have to each other. Exemplifying for this is the adoration they have to me as a superb cook and an academically successful person (as they said)though I am not that excellent and in return the admiration and love I have to them as intelligent and smart youths. Comments I have made in their postings at times add some value and trust to our relationship, which can hardly be obtained overnight.

It matters, in the perspective of motivation, that how to translate motivational factors into motivated behaviours. As a teacher, and possibly a friend of them, I believe all that has been happening in this silence time that counts.

As a researcher 2

A researcher's life of mine up till now has not happened in much boredom and hardship at all as I thought or imagined. Although the two discomforts are expected to last long, happy momments though short but has an impression even longer than the discomforts. It is weird that I ever wished the sleeping time had gone fast and the following morning had come right away so that I could fetch the computer as a means to express my happiness (on my personal blog)...

That was when I met my "lover". My heart was as if it jumped out of my chest in excitement. My fingers were trembling touching every piece of the "lover". I smiled pleasingly at the presence of the longed-for-so-long "lover". It was indeed the happiness of the person praying for the magic and the magic comes. It was now, in front of me, totally for me to enjoy and cherish, and to see a missing me in it. Thanks god for his blessing, to satisfy my hunger, my thirst, and my craving, to offset longest days of my depression and loneliness in the dark...

Here comes the warm bright sun, the loving company of a researcher's life, AN INSPIRING ARTICLE!

My role

In setting up the learner's motivation (more specificality needed) (e.g.surfing wikis, I'm supposed to:

1. Ask the learner to imagine (see the Role of imagination by Zoltan Dornyei, 2009)
"Throughout history of mankind, humans are driven by their imagination and their ability to see images of the desired future. Leaders, poets, writers, composers, artists, dreamers, athletes have been able to be inspired, stay inspired, and inspire others through such images. These images, once shared, have the power to become a force, and in that sense an inspiration for social development and growth, for intentional change at many levels of social organization, not just for the individual" (Boyatzis & Akrivou, 2006, cited in Dornyei, Z. & Ushima, E., 2009).

"Looking at the apple seed and seeing the tree, playing scales on a piana and envisioning a concert hall" (Wenger, 1998, cited in Dornyei, Z. & Ushima, E., (2009)
3. Praise, appreciate the learner (for their initiatives)
4. Help form hopes, wishes, and fantasies
5. Build up trust and admiration at the learner (FB is a useful tool for me)

(Items here are not in the order of importance but shaped in random according to my memory and reflection)

Miscellaneous feeling

I am surfing the internet to read more about some research issues. What people have done in research in general and in my intended fields in particular is far too awesome. The more I read, the worse I feel about me, as to whether I can produce such a piece of works or whether I can be strong enough to pursue such a great job of doing research. Am I incompetent? Am I weak? I dont know.

Today my office mate defends her PhD thesis. She did it very well. She is my first nearest PhD friend, both physically and emotionally. Looking at her victory and glory, a feeling of being inferior gets deeper in me. I can somehow figure out how tough her journey has been. I believe the hardship a head for me will be so big, but passable I wish.

I wish I will get more and more enduring and capable, thanks to my endeavour and love of my beloved ones. God bless me.

As a researcher

As a six-month researcher to be more exact, I am reflecting on my self.

Regarding a professional me, I am doing quite well my job in the pattern of the sin diagram, with waves of up and down. The feeling of approaching some destination and then growing apart from some others is quite exciting. Is it true that the more you swim, the nearer to the "finish" you get? It is not true for me at this time, because the ocean of knowledge is "finish"-less. Yes, the more I swim, the farther I get. More confidence, more strength, and more motivation, these good things, however, do not come along naturally with more swimming. The opposite, on the contrary, somehow easily kicks off those ideals. What I mean here is the support I need for the development of my autonomy. A six-month researcher with very little experience in the field of my study as well as research culture and practice is really in need of guidance, and inspiration too I think. Despite of some autonomy that may have been established in me before, it has very little to do with a new research context this time. Therefore, I find myself now struggling not only in a wider ocean of knowledge but also with a new professional me of both experience and challenge, competence and incompetence, strength and weakness, maturity and immaturity.

A personal me is never in separation of a professional me, but it should be in a separate paragraph for an ease of reflection. Being a researcher is being a human doing reseach. Of what a human, a wife, a mother is, I find myself so much like a shopper in front of a shopping mall with a flat pocket. What to spend and what to ignore, oh my budget is always tight. At the end of the day, I should live for my son, my family, and my personal me, and by no means sensible for my research. It sounds a bit pessimistic. OK, make it more possitive. Being a married woman with a son adds more values to my research than what I have made it sound like above. I find myself more mature in thinking and making decisions, and more aduring. I am not like what I used to be ten years or so ago, when I was doing research with a different personal me. At the end of the day, I should thank my son and those in my family life, who have taken from my professional me lots of time, thinking and concern and brought back far much more maturity and motivation in return.